


don't stop twinkling, little star

by emorion



Series: What happens to immortals if the earth dies? [4]
Category: Pacific Rim (Movies), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Chuck Hansen Needs a Hug, Gen, M/M, POV Outsider, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, chuck is the narrator, nicky and joe with a kid, oh yeah, the narrator is a thirteen year old, why didn't i have nicky and joe when i was thirteen?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:53:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26575573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emorion/pseuds/emorion
Summary: He sees the same joy in Joe's eyes when he looks at his husband, the same pride in Nicky's little smiles whenever Joe says something funny. He recognizes their love for what it is, strong and true.He can only hope to find something like that someday.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: What happens to immortals if the earth dies? [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1876051
Comments: 10
Kudos: 95





	don't stop twinkling, little star

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write Nicky and Joe with Chuck and ended up giving Chuck a panic attack. I wrote using my experiences with panic/anxiety attacks and my sister's experiences with PTSD so if I got anything wrong, feel free to comment and tell me. Trigger warnings for panic attack, anxiety attack, and PTSD  
> This takes place immediately after chapter five of I'll Follow You Through the Dark.

Chuck Hansen is only thirteen years old, but he knows true love when he sees it.

He knows his parents were in love. He could see it in his mother's eyes whenever dad would compliment her. It was there in his father's smile when mum made his favorite meal for his birthday. And now he hears it in his father's voice every time he mentions her. Chuck knows his parents loved each other very much. He can't imagine how hard it must have been for his old man to choose saving his bratty son over the woman he loved.

At thirteen years old, Chuck also knows what true love is _not._ It's not whatever his uncle Scott attempts; whistling at ladies as they walk by, bringing a different woman to Christmas every year, talking about how naggy women are in general.

Chuck also knows that sometimes, men fancy other blokes rather than sheilas, and woman fancy sheilas over blokes. He doesn't have a problem with it, really. That's their business, as his dad would say. He suspects his mum's sister Cathy may prefer women, and she's his favorite aunt. It doesn't effect him in the least who she falls in love with, as long as she cheers him on at his footy games and listens to him ramble about comic books. Sometimes uncle Scott or some kids at school would say mean things about people like that, but Chuck has always preferred his dad's take, it's really none of his business.

*

When his father gets appointed to Marshall of the Sydney shatterdome, Chuck thinks it's really cool. His dad is in charge of the entire place, from the cooks to the technicians, even the other rangers. Of course, good ol' Herc Hansen runs the ship as tight as he can whilst still being incredibly humble and generous, which is great for all of his underlings, but not so much for Chuck, who can't help but feel like his father no longer has time for him.

It's not all bad, though, because the other Rangers assigned to Sydney are super cool.

Andy is the most bad-ass woman he's ever met. She's tough, no nonsense, and she has the best record in the Kwoon (that is to say she's undefeated). Chuck respects the way she always speaks her mind, and also the fact that she serves uncle Scott's arse on a platter every time they spar. The first time Andy offers to teach him some of her moves, Chuck nearly trips over himself to accept.

Booker has become Herc's right hand man. At first, Chuck was jealous of all the time the man spent with his dad, but he got over it after meeting Booker himself. Chuck found out pretty quick that he enjoys Booker's company. He's much more understanding than his uncle Scott, nicer too. He helps Chuck with his schoolwork when Herc isn't able to, and sometimes they go down to J-tech to watch the mechanics. Booker knows a lot about Jaegers, and Chuck tells him that if piloting doesn't work out for him, he should work in J-tech. It makes Booker smile, which always feels like a victory to Chuck.

Then there's Joe and Nicky.

Joe and Nicky are the first gay married couple he's ever met. It was weird at first, having never met another couple that loved each other like his parents did, and on top of that they were both men. Chuck quickly got over this, too.

Joe is very talkative, much like Chuck himself. His mother always joked that he loved the sound of his own voice, and it makes him laugh to think she'd say the same for Joe. When he's not ranting about the effects of climate change or the incompetence of the government, he's telling anyone who will listen how much he loves his husband.

Nicky is quiet most of the time, and when he does speak, he sounds like a fortune cookie. He's a good listener, though. He let's Chuck ramble on and on about this tv show or that comic book, and on rare occasions, his mother. Sometimes he gives feedback that really gets Chuck thinking.

He sees the same joy in Joe's eyes when he looks at his husband, the same pride in Nicky's little smiles whenever Joe says something funny. He recognizes their love for what it is, strong and true. He can only hope to find something like that someday.

*

The day after the Onibaba attack in Japan, Herc, Scott, Andy, and Booker fly to the Tokyo shatterdome to assess the situation. It's something the PPDC has decided; after every attack, the Marshall and three additional Rangers from each shatterdome meet at the attack site for reconnaissance or something.

"It doesn't make any sense." Nicky says, pacing the floor of the shatterdome's meeting room.

Chuck is sitting at the big table with Joe, the two of them working together on a Jaeger design. Joe is an artist, another thing he and Chuck have in common, though Chuck can only dream of being as good as Joe someday.

Chuck feels uneasy, like something isn't right inside of him. He hasn't really been able to talk since the attack yesterday, it's like his brain can't make words. Chuck has also noticed a pressure in his upper chest that didn't even go away after he chugged a root bear and belched so hard he nearly passed out. He didn't sleep well last night, either, and he doesn't think the tremble in his hands is normal.

"Why would they take the Marshall and _three_ Rangers away at a time?" Nicky continues, and Chuck thinks that if he looks really hard, he can see a rut forming in the floor. "That's _two_ Jaeger teams! Some shatterdomes only have two!"

"Well, my love, there's never been an attack the day after an attack-" Joe is cut off by a sharp look from his husband, a look that suddenly reminds Chuck of his mum when Herc would tell a crude joke at the dinner table. He looks down at his drawing quickly, tension in his chest growing stronger.

"We can't predict how sudden these attacks will come!" Nicky rumbles, throwing his hands around as he speaks. "We don't know enough! Why send Jaeger-less Rangers to the site of an attack that already happened? Doesn't that seem dangerous?" Chuck doesn't think he's ever heard Nicky talk this loud, he knows he's never seen Nicky this riled up.

It's so abnormal, everything is so upside down, Chuck feels like he's going to explode. His ears start ringing and his head starts spinning, and suddenly, he's slinking out of his chair and under the table, knees to his chest and hands on his ears. It feels like can't breathe no matter how hard he tries.

The next thing Chuck notices is Nicky's big blue eyes, full of concern, the man crouched down in his knees in front of him. "No, no, no, no, I'm so sorry," he's saying. "Come now, sweetheart, look at me."

Chuck tries to focus on Nicky, but it's hard. His eyes don't want to stay open and he feels like he might be swaying. The room won't stop spinning.

"Here, big guy," another voice says, Joe, and Chuck feels something being put in front of his mouth. "Blow this up as big as you can, then make it as small as you can, and then again. Can you do that?"

Chuck thinks he nods, and blows into the bag until it's full. Then he sucks the air back in and does it again. He fills and empties the bag a few more times before the room stops spinning and his ears are clear again. Bringing his hand up to his face, he pushes the bag away and breathes normal again. Though he feels a little better, the pressure in his chest is still present. When he opens his eyes, the two worried adults are staring back at him.

"How do you feel?" Joe asks. He reaches out to touch Chuck's shoulder but stops half way.

"What was that?" Chuck whimpers, small and panicked.

"I think you had a panic attack." Nicky replies, and he sounds as broken as Chuck feels. "Can we help you up?" Chuck nods and allows the men to guide him out from under the table and into his chair.

"Can you tell us how you feel, Chuck?" Joe asks again, kneeling in front of him.

"Better than I did a minute ago." Chuck answers, though he can't stop his hand from running at the knot in his chest. Nicky notices immediately, his eyes growing impossibly softer.

"Does your chest hurt?" He asks.

"It feels tight." Chuck answers honestly. Something about Nicky always compels him to be honest.

"Poor boy," Nicky breathes, and it looks like he might cry. "I'm so sorry Chuck-"

This time it's Joe cutting his husband off with a hand in the air, not a mean or rude gesture, just a _hold that thought._ "When did you start feeling like this?" He wonders.

Chuck walks backward through the time in his head. The pressure had been there while they were drawing at the table, but it had been there before Nicky and Joe even brought him in here. "Since yesterday." He mutters.

"Onibaba?" Joe asks, and Chuck nods in response. Joe looks back up at Nicky. "PTSD, I'd wager."

"I'm so sorry, Chuck." Nicky says, kneeling down next to Joe to make eye contact with him again. "I shouldn't have been yelling, I exasperated it."

"You were upset, my heart," Joe says, shaking his head. "You didn't know."

"I've been inconsiderate of Chuck's situation." Chuck doesn't think he's ever seen anyone look as guilty as Nicky does. "Please forgive me."

"PTSD?" Chuck asks, brain lagging a bit behind the conversation.

Joe shrugs. "I'm no shrink, but I've seen enough cases to know."

"But-but you said it was a panic attack?" Chuck looks to Nicky again.

"Post traumatic stress disorder often manifests in panic and anxiety attacks." Nicky says, hands twitching at his sides. "How do you feel now?"

"He wants to hug you." Joe says, rolling his eyes fondly.

Nicky swats him in the shoulder. "I just gave him a panic attack! You can't just expect him to-"

Nicky stops talking when Chuck surges forward and hugs him tight around the shoulders. He's not quite sure why he does it except he misses his parents a lot and he likes Nicky and doesn't want him to feel bad anymore. Nicky hugs him back, snug and warm, and the tightness in Chuck's chest loosens up a little.

When they pull apart, Nicky cups Chuck's cheek and nods before standing up and walking to the window. Joe pulls him in for a side hug, gesturing to their unfinished Jaeger. Nicky doesn't say another word.

*

By dinnertime, Herc and the others still haven't made it back yet, so Joe takes Chuck to the cafeteria to 'rustle up some grub'.

"I can't tell if your making fun of how we speak." Chuck says, wrinkling his nose.

"I would never make fun of the way you speak." Joe sincerely replies, before making a show about thinking. "Well, maybe your uncle Scott." He adds, getting a laugh from Chuck.

Once they get their food, Chuck makes to go back to the conference room.

"Hey, kiddo, where you goin'?" Joe calls from behind him. When Chuck turns, he finds Joe sitting at one of the tables.

"Aren't we going back to Nicky?" Chuck asks, confused. Nicky was the one who suggested Joe take Chuck to the café when they were finished with their design.

"Nah, he'll be ok." Joe shrugs, gesturing toward the seat across from him. "Besides, he doesn't like eating in places that aren't specifically designated for eating." He adds, winking.

"That can't be true!" Chuck laughs. Nicky does seem to like following certain rules, but Chuck doesn't think that this is one of them.

Joe raises an eyebrow at him. "And why not?"

"I bet he's brought you brekky in bed." Chuck smiles, thinking about his parents. "My dad and I would do it for mum every mother's day. No matter how strict she was about rules, she never made a fuss about that."

Joe smiles back at him, but his eyes are sad. They eat in silence for a few minutes before Joe speaks again.

"You know, if you ever wanted to talk about it, Nicky and I would be more than happy to listen." He says, pushing his food around with his fork.

Chuck nods slowly. He supposes it would be nice to talk to someone. He doesn't want to talk about it to uncle Scott, he would probably call Chuck soft and tell him to man up. And Chuck couldn't bear taking it to Herc, knowing that he is the reason that his father grieves in the first place.

"Maybe." Chuck replies, making a shape in his potatoes. "I don't want to bother you guys."

"It's no bother at all, Chuck." Joe smiles, and this time it reaches his eyes. "We love having you around. And my Nicky is the best listener in the entire world. Not only does he listen with his ears, but also with his heart."

Chuck laughs, eyes stinging, begging to cry.

"Oh no, are you okay, kiddo?" Joe asks frantically, leaning forward in concern.

"You guys remind me of my parents," Chuck whimpers, wiping at his eyes with the backs of his hands, "before this stupid war."

Joe stands up and gathers both their trays, dumping them in the bin behind him before moving around to pull Chuck into his arms. He gives good hugs, too.

"C'mon buddy," Joe mumbles. "Lets go find Nicky."

*

By the time they find Nicky, pacing the floor of LOCCENT while the techs ramble Onibaba's statistics, Chuck has stopped crying. He feels bone tired, almost like he's played an entire game of footy. As soon as Nicky turns to face them, he notices.

"What have you two been up to, huh?" He says, smiling as his eyes shift to Joe. "He looks like he's just run a marathon."

"Nah, it's all been a lot." Joe says, taking his husband's hand and steering them both into the hall and towards the common room. Chuck hears him whisper something else to Nicky in a language he doesn't know, Nicky responding in kind.

The couple converses in this way all the way to their destination. Chuck thinks that uncle Scott would hate it and accuse the two men of talking shit about him using words he can't understand. If Chuck wasn't feeling so drained, he might laugh because Scott barely understands the Queen's English.

Chuck isn't bothered by it, though. It's just another thing about Joe and Nicky that took some getting used to. They'll drop into a language that just the two of them understand because that's how close they are.

When they reach the common room, Joe points to one of the couches. "Lie down, kiddo. I'll go get you a blanket and we can stay here until your dad comes back. Ok?"

Chuck nods, moving slowly to the plain sofa and laying down. Joe smiles at him before quickly glancing at his husband and turning to leave.

The last thing Chuck notices before he crashes is Nicky taking a seat on the sofa opposite his own.

*

For half a second after waking up, Chuck isn't sure where he is or what happened. It feels like he's been asleep for days, though he's still laying in the common room. Nicky's sitting across from him with Joe's sleeping head in his lap, combing his fingers through his husband's hair.

"Hey kid," he says, sending Chuck a warm smile.

"'Ello," Chuck grunts as he sits up. "What time is it?"

"Nine thirty." Nicky answers. "Booker texted, they will be leaving Tokyo soon."

Chuck nods, not knowing what to say. Memories from the day catch up to him; his breakdown in the rec-room, crying at dinner, falling asleep without a word. He's still so tired.

"How are you feeling?" Nicky asks, and Chuck doesn't know what to say to that, either. He doesn't quite understand why he feels, or rather _what_ he feels.

"Empty." Is what he settles on.

Nicky mumbles something that Chuck doesn't understand and shakes his head. "You've been through so much," he sighs.

"It is what it is, I guess." Chuck says with a shrug of his shoulders.

"No, I don't like this saying. You are a child. It's a shame to have to grow up so fast."

Again, Chuck doesn't know how to respond. He brings his knees up to his chest and hugs them, laying his head atop his knees. When he closes his eyes, he could almost pretend that he's back in 2012, waiting for his parents to get home from a gala while his babysitter watches over him.

After a few moments of nothing but Joe's soft breathing, Nicky breaks the silence.

"I must apologize for freaking you out earlier." He says. He's looking at Joe again, tracing his ear with his fingers. "I should have been more considerate."

"Nah, you were upset," Chuck says, shrugging again. "I get it. I think it's a bunch of bull, too."

Nicky looks up at him and smiles, but his eyes are so, so sad. "You get to be upset, too, you know."

"Well, I'm not upset with you. If I were to blame anybody, it would be Onibaba. Or, come to think of it, Scissure."

"That's true." Nicky agrees. "Joe's right. You should see a therapist. Although, we all probably need therapy at this point."

Chuck laughs without realizing it, feeling a bit lighter. "The therapists probably need therapists." He chuckles, startling a laugh from Nicky.

The man looks down at Joe as if afraid his laugh had woken his husband, but the other man was still sleeping away.

"Joe told me about dinner." Nicky says quietly, probably unsure if he should bring it up. Chuck is kind of upset at how careful he's being, like Chuck is some kind of wild animal that could lash out at any moment. Or a fragile kid. He doesn't like the adults treating him like a kid.

"Yeah, well I don't know what came over me." He snaps, somewhat harsh. "I'm not a crybaby, ok?"

Nicky frowns. "Crying doesn't make you a baby. Please, Chuck. Don't hold your feelings in."

Something about the pitiful way Nicky is looking at him upsets Chuck even further. "That's easy for you to say." He grumbles.

"Oh, and why is that?" Nicky asks in that way adults do when they know the answer but insist on making you say it anyways, making you think about what you've just said.

And it works, because now Chuck feels terrible for saying it, for sounding just like his uncle. "I'm sorry," he says, eyes stinging, "I didn't mean to say that!"

Nicky tuts at him, making him feel like a kid with his hand in the cookie jar, but now instead of anger, Chuck is embarrassed.

"I'm really sorry, Nicky." He whines, covering his face with his hands. "I'm not- I really don't- it's not-"

"Settle down, I know," Nicky assures him, voice gentle. "Just don't say anything like that to Joe. Want to tell me why you are so upset?"

Chuck wipes at his eyes. He doesn't want to answer the question because he's afraid that if he does, he'll start sobbing again, so he shakes his head.

"Are you sure?" Nicky asks, "I've been told I'm just as good as a therapist. Maybe I can help."

Joe had said something like that, hadn't he? Of course, Joe probably praises everything Nicky does, like when his dad used to say he loved mum's cooking even though it tasted like sweaty socks, or when mum would throw dad a hero's party every time he removed a spider from the bathroom. Thinking about the way his parents used to be, remembering all that is lost, causes something taught inside Chuck to snap.

"I miss my parents." He blurts out without meaning to. "Nothing's the same anymore. Mum's gone, dad's alone, it's all my fault."

"No, sweetheart!" Nicky hisses. "None of this is your fault!"

"Dad had a choice!" Chuck says, raising his voice. "He chose me over her! They were like you, you know! And now he has no one, and it's because of me!"

By now, Joe has woken up. Chuck can tell, even though he stays where he is.

"Your father had to make an incredibly hard decision," Nicky placates, "you had no part in that decision."

"I should have!" Chuck shouts, raising to his feet.

"Chuck-" Joe starts, sitting up.

"It's not fair! I'll never be enough, he should have known!"

"You are enough!" Nicky says, reaching for Chuck's shoulders, aborting the movement when Chuck jerks back. "You are his _child. Her_ child. I didn't know her, but from what you've told me of her, I'm sure she would have wanted you to live rather than her."

"No!" Chuck sobs, crumbling back down on the sofa. "No, no, no! She should still be here! They would be happy!"

"Not without you." Both men say in unison, breaking Chuck's resolve even further. He cries now, curling around himself.

"Chuck," Nicky says, suddenly in front of him, just like before, "Chuck, can I hug you?"

Chuck nods frantically and feels Nicky wrap him in his arms. A second pair of arms join them a heartbeat later.

"You poor, poor soul," Joe mumbles, "you've been keeping all this inside?"

"Crying is not shameful," Nicky adds, stroking Chuck's hair, "especially when you are a child who has seen far too much heartache."

"I have to be strong!" Chuck cries into Nicky's shoulder, or maybe it's Joe's. "I don't want him to regret saving me!"

"This is not a burden you are intended to carry." Nicky says. "You are just a child."

"I don't want to be!" Chuck grits out. "I don't want to be a burden!"

"You are not a burden, I promise." Joe says. "If Herc heard you speak of yourself this way, he would tell you the same."

"You are a child, though, whether you like it or not." Nicky says. "You do not need to be worrying so much. Someday, you will be grown, and then you will need to worry. But for now, your job is to let your father do his job. And his job is making decisions about your wellbeing. Understand?"

Chuck whimpers again and shakes his head into the shoulder it's resting on.

Nicky pulls back to look into Chuck's eyes and says with authority, "Chuck. Do not grow up before you need to. Your father saved you because you are his child. He loves you. Do not doubt his decision."

He doesn't know if he understands, or even wants to understand, but he nods. He will try. He has to. He's willing to do whatever it takes to be worthy of his father's decision.

"You are not a burden." Nicky repeats, "but I understand if you don't want to cry in front of your dad. So, how about this: from now on, whenever you feel like this, come to us."

"Absolutely," Joe agrees, "the only thing you could do to be a burden on us, is keep the the burden yourself."

"Okay," Chuck sniffles, pulling out of the hug and nodding, "okay. I'll come to you."

"Promise?" Joe smiles.

"I promise."

"Good." The two men say together.

*

After breakfast, Nicky invites Chuck to join him for a walk.

"I understand if you'd rather spend the day with your father-" the man adds hastily, even though they both know that Herc has been busy with the K-scientists all morning.

"No, I could use some fresh air." Chuck accepts, making Nicky smile. "Where's your little Joey?" He teases.

Nicky makes a face. "You aren't funny," he says, the grin on his face contradicting him, "He's just looking through our emails."

"I thought you two did everything together." Chuck points out, and Nicky laughs.

"No, sometimes we do things alone or with other people." he chuckles.

"Fair." Chuck says as Nicky leads him out the shatterdome doors. "Where to? The beach?"

Nicky looks at him skeptically. "Really?"

Chuck scoffs. "We can't let the Kaiju ruin the beach for us!"

"You know," Nicky laughs, "sometimes you sound wiser beyond your years."

"That's not wisdom," Chuck says, rolling his eyes.

Nicky laughs again, sticking his hands in his pockets.

For all his hesitation about coming down to the shore, Nicky wastes no time taking off his shoes and socks and rolling up his pants before stepping forward to let the tide lick at his feet.

"Is it cold?" Chuck asks curiously.

"Not really," Nicky tells him, "well, maybe at first, but you get used to it quickly."

Chuck decides to keep his clothes on, except his jacket, which he lays down in the sand to sit on as he looks across the horizon. The ocean looks exactly like it always had, ever since Chuck was first introduced to it. Looking at it right now, it was almost easy to forget the terror that has risen from its mysterious depths.

"Are you feeling better?" Nicky asks, plopping down next to him, seemingly unconcerned of the sand.

"Yes." Chuck answers honestly. He's sure it has something to do with having his dad closer, though he knows his cry session with Nicky and Joe is owed most of the credit.

"Good. I hope that Joe and I will be helpful to you."

"You definitely are." Chuck tells him honestly. He's rewarded with another big smile from his companion. "Just you two being you helps me."

"Really?" Nicky asks, incredulously, "how so?"

"Your love." Chuck says, as if it is obvious. At the man's confused look, he continues. "I said last night that my parents were just like you. You could tell they loved each other just by being in their presence. Until I met you and Joe, I had no idea anyone else could be so in love."

When he looks over at Nicky, the man is looking out over the water, tears trailing down his face. Chuck is shocked, he has never seen a grown man cry before, not even his father, though he's sure his father has cried.

"It's true," Chuck continues, putting his hand on Nicky's shoulder, "when I see you and him together, it reminds me of them."

"And it doesn't bother you?" Nicky asks, voice steady as ever despite the tears in his eyes.

"No, I told you, I don't care that you're gay."

Nicky laughs, "no, not like that. It doesn't make you hate that we have this?"

Chuck sighs, looking back to the ocean. This beautiful, peaceful thing that has inadvertently taken so much from him.

"My mother is lost forever. I will never get her back. I still have my dad, and it isn't his fault, but right now all seeing him does is remind me of what he's lost because of me." He sees Nicky open his mouth to deny his culpability, so he rushes on. "But seeing you and Joe reminds me of the happiness that kind of love, their love, used to bring me. It's comforting. Like a blanket that smells like them, or something, I don't know. Not as good as the real thing, but familiar all the same."

After Chuck has said his peace, the two of them sit in silence, watching the waves. He notices Nicky's hands twitching in the sand between them and rolls his eyes.

"You can hug me now." He says, and he laughs when Nicky does just that.

"You're starting to sound a lot like Joe." Nicky sighs over Chuck's shoulder, and Chuck smiles.

Maybe he won't turn out to be a disappointment after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp! I hope you liked it! Let me know what you thought!  
> also:  
> Joe and Nicky: *sees kid with issues*  
> Joe and Nicky: MUST ADOPT


End file.
